JOKE JERK

Some women have to have a date outfit.  If they have a date on two consecutive nights, they’ll wear the same outfit both nights.  Why change?  After all, the guys are different and who will know?  And, basically, all guys are the same anyway.

Women gearing up for that first date have a lot to think about because they take such great pride in their appearance.  Choosing the right lipstick is an important consideration.

But, it doesn’t stop there for the all important first kiss might be later on that night.  That’s why applying lip lacquer is also very important.  It will make him want to kiss you after telling his bad jokes.

And, don’t forget the lip gloss.  Lip gloss may actually be the most important part of the cosmetics as you just never know if those lips are going to be used for more than simply talking.

Do you care about your family? 

Of course you do.  I know you do. 

That’s why insurance is so important.  And, it’s not just about life insurance and health insurance.  The bigger problem is loss of income.  Loss of income due to your inability to work is the biggest problem.  That’s because your family will have bills to pay from your illness or injury, plus they’ll lose your income.

That’s why income protection plans are the single most important kind of insurance you need.  In the case of a traumatic event that puts you out of work, an income protection plan will take care of your family while you get better and get back in the swing of things. 

You won’t have to rush back if your family has income coming in and that is good for everybody in the long run.

When you need to buy things, consider Shop Wiki.  This is a site that scours the world wide web for the best deals available.  It doesn’t mess around with just one or two sites, it finds the best deal on the entire web!

That’s why I use it.  I know that when I use it, I am getting the best price available on the entire web.

I told my friend about it and she is now looking for everything that she needs for her new baby that is due around Christmas time.  She needed a crib so that’s a big purchase and one that you want to make sure that you do right.  After all, babies sleep a lot.

She also needed a changing table and we know how fun changing diapers can be.  A diaper bag is another compliment that you need to go with the changing table and you need one that isn’t too big and bulky that you can carry around as well.

Then, there’s all of the accessories that she’ll need for her future football player.  If he is going to grow big enough to play the line for a D-1 school, she’ll need to buy him lots of baby bottles and other baby feeding supplies.

A large can of mashed potatoes wouldn’t hurt either.

Did you ever wonder what glass tiles were?  I know that question has perplexed me for many years.  No joking.

Well, I didn’t know either until I found this web site for glasstilestore.com and now I must admit that I am hooked on glass tiles.  Who would have thought it?

They are really beautiful and I am considering using bathroom tiles from this company when I redecorate my master bathroom next year.  They really add life to an otherwise dull looking bathroom and they put my wife in the mood to mingle.

A kitchen done in glass tiles is also really beautiful.  I was considering subway tiles for my kitchen, but with the economy like it is, I didn’t think I can do that redecorating until 2013 or later. 

That was until I checked the prices.  Heck, I can afford glass tiles now!

So, glass me up.  Just don’t throw anything.

What is the difference between girls / women aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68, and 78?

At 8: You take her to bed and tell her a story.
At 18: You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28: You don’t need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38: She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48: She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58: You stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68: If you take her to bed, that’ll be a story!
At 78: What story? What bed? Who the hell are you?

Remember 5th grade Math?  No, me neither.

So, what do you do if your son or daughter needs help with his or her Math and you simply don’t remember how to do it?  Call an expert, I guess.

Online tutoring is a growing business and it simply makes sense.  I have enough work to do; I don’t need to do my kids’ homework too!

Then, there’s stuff like adding fractions.  Most of the people I interview can’t even answer the simple question: what is a quarter of a half.  It’s true.  So, these people probably need online tutoring services for their child also.

And, if you struggled with adding fractions and fourth grade math, what is Algebra 2 going to do to your brain cells?  Are you smarter than a Fifth Grader?  I didn’t think so.

At TutorVista, you can get an all you can eat package of tutoring for just $99.99 per month.  If you are not sure if you’ll like the service or not, try them out for free for the first time.

Your abacus is probably pretty dusty these days anyway.

More bad pickup lines.

The word of the day is “legs.” Let’s go back to my place and spread the word.

That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor tomorrow morning.

I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

I like every bone in your body especially mine.

How about you sit on my lap and we’ll see what pops up?

Will you be my love buffet so I can lay you out on a table and take anything I want?

Why don’t you sit on my face and let me eat my way to your heart?

Baby I’m like milk, I’ll do your body good.

Is that a mirror in your pants because I can see myself in them.

Hey baby lets play army I’ll lay down you can blow me up.

If your left is thanksgiving and your right leg is Christmas can I visit you in-between the holidays

If I told you that you had a nice body, would you hold it against me?

You’re like a Pringles. Once I pop you, I can’t stop you!

I want to kiss you passionately on the lips, and then move up to your belly-button.

Is it hot in here or is it just you?

If you were a car door I would slam you all night long

Baby, your so fine, I want to pour milk all over you and make you part of my complete breakfast.

How about you sit on my lap and we’ll straighten things out

Baby, I’d run a mile for your vertical smile. Nice shirt…. wanna fuck?

If I could rearrange the alphabet I’d put U and I together.

Are you from Tennessee? Because you’re the only ten I see!

Can I have fries with that shake!

I’ve got the F, the C, and the K. All I need is U.

You’re so sweet you’re giving me a toothache.

Hey baby, can I tickle your belly button from the inside?

If I had eleven roses and you, I’d have a dozen.

Hi, I’m new in town. Can I have directions to your house?

Pardon my is there a mirror in your pocket because I can see myself in your pants.

Do you know CPR because you take my breath away.

Your daddy must of been a drug dealer ’cause you’re dope.

My face is leaving in 15 minutes…be on it!

I’d look good on you.

When does your centerfold come out.

So do ya wanna see something really swell?

I’ve seem to have lost my number, can I have yours?

I’ve got the hot dog and you got the buns.

Is your name Gillette? …because you’re the best a man can get.

Are we near the airport or is that just my heart taking off?

I may not be Fred Flinstone, but I sure can make your bed rock.

You have nice legs. What time do they open?

Do you like Subway? How about my foot long?

Hey that dress looks nice. Can I talk you out of it.

Is that a keg in your pants? Cause I’d just love to tap that ass!

Are those pants from outer space? Cause that ass is out of this world.

You’re like a championship bass, I don’t know if I should mount you or eat you.

Is your dad a terrorist? Because your the bomb!

Are you a parking ticket cause you have fine written all over you.

If I flip this coin, what are the chances of me getting head tonight?

______________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you 
forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, “isn’t it true that when a person dies in his 
sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?”
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year- old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about 20, medium height, and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
______________________________ _______
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And, Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And the best for last: 
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No .
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. 

Here at the Joke Jerk, we don’t often get asked to write about something as serious as Multiple Sclerosis.  But, today we are.

Many of us have had friends or people we know that were affected by MS.  It’s not just Jerry’s Kids who get it.  It’s neighbors of yours and mine.

When you get MS, what you need is a great source of MS treatment.  That’s where All About MS comes in.

This web site will advise those with the disease about the MS Diet which will greatly increase your quality of life.  After all, we are what we eat and its no different if you have MS.

The husband leans over and asks his wife, ‘Do you remember the first
time we had sex together over sixty years ago? We went behind the
village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love
to you.’Yes, she says, ‘I remember it well.’