JOKE JERK

 On Being Jewish…

Q:  What is a Jewish ménage-a-trois
A:  Two headaches and an erection.

Q:  Why did Adam and Eve have a perfect marriage?
A:  He didn’t have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn’t have to hear about the way his mother cooked

Q:  What business is a yenta in?
A:   Yours.

Q:  How do Jewish wives get their children ready for supper?
A:  They put them in the car.

Q:  What is the technical term for a divorced Jewish woman?
A:   Plaintiff

Q:  What does a  Jewish woman do to keep her hands soft and her nails long?
A:  Nothing at all 

Q:  Define “genius”
A:  An average student with a Jewish mother

Q:  If Tarzan and Jane were Jewish, what would Cheetah be?
A:  A fur coat

Q:  What do you call the nipple on a Jewish wife’s breast?
A:  The tip of the iceberg

Q:   What mechanical device causes the most arousal in a Jewish woman?
A:   A Mercedes 550SL convertible

Jewish proverb: “A Jewish wife will forgive and forget, but she’ll never forget what she forgave.”

One of life’s mysteries - how a 2 Ib. box of chocolates can make a Jewish woman gain 5 lbs.

Another of life’s mysteries is when a Jewish woman hangs something in her wardrobe for a while and it shrinks two sizes!

The trouble with some Jewish women is that they get all excited about nothing; then they marry him.

A Bar Mitzvah is defined as the day when a Jewish boy comes to realize that he is more likely to own a professional sports team than he is to play for one

Playing games online is a lot of fun.  In fact, it’s one of the most fun things you can do.  It sure beats watching TV.

Some games are really awesome and VBarrack is one of them.  If you want to Buy Aion Accounts I can’t think of a better place to go.  The company is dependable and has great customer service.

It’s the same with World of Warcraft.  My Dad flew a plane in WWII so I’ve always had a passion for fighter planes.  If you want to buy World of Warcraft accounts, VBarrack.com is another great place to go.

So enjoy yourself gamers and with the added firepower found on this site, you will win far more than you lose.

Getting tickets to a concert or sporting event has never been easier.  You can go to Cheap Seats online and find just about any ticket that you need to get.

If you live in the Tampa area, you know that there are lots of St. Pete Times Union tickets that you probably want to get.  Events like WWE wrestling are held there and I see that they have Bon Jovi coming in the next couple of weeks and that’s always a great show.

Have little kids at home and want to give them a treat that they will never forget?  See Elmo and all of his friends with Sesame Street Live tickets at venues all around the USA and Canada.  My guess is that you’ll like the show too.  I know I did.

Staples Center Tickets are some of the most sought-after tickets on the internet.  And, why not when the Los Angeles Lakers play there and you can see celebrities at every game.  Not to mention all of the other great events that take place in a city as vibrant as Los Angeles.

Eileen and her husband Bob went for counseling after 25 years of marriage.

Bob thought for a moment and replied, ‘Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf. 

A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit,
so he asks the biker his name.

‘Fred,’ he replies.

‘Fred what?’ the officer asks.

‘Just Fred,’ the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.  The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. ‘Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?’

The biker replies, ‘It’s a long story, so stay with me.’  I was born Fred Johnson.  
 I  studied hard and got good grades.  

When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor.  I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD.  After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.

Dentistry was my dream!  Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.  

Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.  

Well, the  ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.  

Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD.  Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my  DDS  because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.

Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.’

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.

He thought to himself, “It’s certainly not a ship”

As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.

Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, “Tell me, how long has it been since you’ve had a good cigar?”

“Ten years,” replied the amazed Irishman.

With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.

He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. “Faith and begorrah,” said the castaway,
Ahh ”that is so good! I’d almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!”

“And how long has it been since you’ve had a drop of good Bushmill’s  Irish Whiskey ?” asked the blonde.

Trembling, the castaway replied, “Ten years.”

Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.

He opened the flask and took a long drink. “Tis nectar of the gods!” shouted the Irishman. ” ‘Tis truly fantastic!!!”

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, “And how long has it been since you played around?”

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, “Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don’t tell me that you’ve got golf clubs in there too!

It’s really been a cold winter in the northeast and there has been record snow.  This has forced all of the little critters indoors to keep warm.  I found this out the hard way a few weeks ago when suddenly without notice, my cable TV picture got poor.

It seems as though a mouse had chewed through the cable wire somewhere in the house.  Now, that may sound like an easy fix, but it’s not; I’d have to punch a hole in the wall and fix the wires.  So, I have turned to Direct TV instead.

I have always wondered about DirecTV, but I never knew much about it.  So, I began my journey locally to find out more about it.  A friend recommended a web site that was reputable and I have pursued it.

So, in a week, I am going to be watching television via DirectTV instead of cable.

And, to think that a mouse has caused me to do this!

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal.

Oh Great!!  

The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!