JOKE JERK

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.” The next day the85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.”Well, doc, it’s like this–first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.”The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbor?”The old man replied, “Yep, none of us could get the jar open.”

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.   The Indian Chief proclaims,”So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger” …”In honour of the Harvest Festival,YOU will be executed in three days.”"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests”"What is your FIRST request???’The Lone Ranger responds,”I’d like to speak to my horse.”The Chief nods and Silver is broughtbefore the Lone Ranger who whispers inSilver’s ear, and the horse gallops away.Later that evening, Silver returns witha beautiful blonde woman on his back.As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger’s tent and spends the night.The next morning the Indian Chief admitshe’s impressed.”You have a very fine and loyal horse”,”But I will still kill you in two days.”"What is your SECOND request???”The Lone Ranger again asks to speakto his horse.Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse’s ear.As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.Later that evening, to the Chief’s surprise, Silver again returns,  this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde.She enters the Lone Rangers tentand spends the night.The following morning the Indian Chiefis again impressed.”You are indeed a man of many talents,”"But I will still kill you tomorrow.”"What is your LAST request ???”The Lone Ranger responds,”I’d like to speak to my horse,  ….  alone.”The Chief is curious, but he agrees,and Silver is brought tothe Lone Ranger’s tent.Once they’re alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says,”READ MY LIPS!!!!”FOR… THE… LAST… TIME…” BRING POSSE “

A man boards an aeroplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, heglances up and sees a most beautiful woman boarding the ‘plane.He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat. A wave ofnervous anticipation washes over him.Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Eager to strike upa conversation, he blurts out,”Business trip or vacation?”"Nymphomaniac Convention in London,” she states.Blimey…. He swallows hard and is instantly crazed with excitement.Here’s the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting next to him and she’s going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks,”What’s your business role at this convention?”"Lecturer”, she says.”I use my experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”"Really,” he says, swallowing hard, “what myths are those?”"Well,” she explains, “one popular myth is that African American menare the most well-endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American Indianwho is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is thatFrench men are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Greek descent.”Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes.”I’m sorry” she says, “I shouldn’t be discussing this with you, I don’t even knowyour name!”.”Tonto,” the man says, as he extends his hand….”Tonto Stathakopoulos.”

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife: “Listen, this guy’s an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.” If he wants s*x, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you.”To which his wife responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!”

If you work in the medical business, you need medical uniforms.  The bad thing about medical uniforms is that you need a lot of them.  Who wants to wear the same thing for 8 hours every day.  And, they really do get dirty and stinky given the patients only take sponge baths.

And, if you are buying them so often, you definitely want discount medical scrubs.  I mean its not like you are buying clothing like a nice suit that you will really enjoy wearing.  This is just something you have to buy for work.

Of course, maybe you are only interested in buying a doctor uniform because its Halloween or you are playing dress up with your girlfriend.  That may be sometime that you actually enjoy wearing medical clothing.

Looking for a power washing company Austin?You know how filthy dirty the side of your house can get so you need to power wash it periodically.  It’s especially important to power wash your deck if you live in Austin as that Texas dust can wear out your wooden deck.

When you come back from riding your horse on the range in Texas, your boots get dirty.  And, if you wear your boots in the house, as most cowboys do, you will soon need some professional carpet cleaning Austin.  That will get your carpets smelling good and not smelling like your son’s cowboy boots and his horse.

Musty odor removal Austin is another problem when you live in Texas.  It doesn’t rain much in Texas, but when it does, boy does it rain.  It rains hard and it gets in the basement like a flood.  And, who wants to live in a flood?

Want to catch one of those funny moments when you play a practical joke on somebody or tell them a really funny joke?  Then, you need a new camera.

There are so many cameras on the market that how would you ever know the best one to purchase?  Personally I’m a fan of the Canon Power Shot camera.  I take a lot of sports photography and the Canon models seem to have the superior shudder speed that you need to capture the high paced action of sports.

But, it really doesn’t matter what camera you want, because there are so many good ones on the market.  Take the Nikon Cool Pix, for example.  It’s a dynamite little camera and very versatile.  You will not go wrong with a Nikon camera.

The best thing about shopping for a camera at Shop Wiki is that it does the shopping for you.  Just enter the camera that you want and it will crawl the internet to find you the best price.

Now, that’s what I call picture perfect.

The Dot…  FINALLY, SOMEONE HAS CLEARED THIS UP.

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian embassy in Ottawa has recently revealed the true story. When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, a taxi cab, or a motel in the United States . If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with technical advice.

Ever have one of those days at the office where nothing seems to go right?  Yeah, me too. 

It’s one of those things that can be so frustrating.  You need to print a document or make copies and suddenly you are out of ink!  What a pain.  You have a million things to do and now you can’t make copies for your presentation.

Whose job is it anyway to order the printer ink?  I know Marybeth used to do that, but when she left nobody picked up that job!  Ugh!  Now, we have to wait for 3 days for the shipment to come in or worse yet, I have to spend my lunch break at Staples enduring those long lines.

“From now on, let’s order a bunch of inkjet cartridges so we don’t have to worry about it,” said Frank the techie.  “That will solve the problem.”  Said like a true engineer with no idea of the bottom line.

But, where do you find cheap ink, because let’s face it, ink is ink.  There’s no brand preference when it comes to ink.  You just want to have it in the office so you don’t run into problems like this.

Oh my, I do wish we still had Marybeth.

Guest post written by Nicole Schwartz

It all but kills me once it gets too cold outside for me to wear sandals everywhere. They’re my favorite kind of shoe because I honestly even hate wearing shoes but I have to outside of my home, which takes up a big part of my everyday life. So I’m always on the lookout for winter shoes that I can wear that are more comfortable and not too confining. I never thought that would include boots, but I found some about a week or so ago that are so comfortable that I even forget that I’m wearing them.

I was reading a style blog a few weeks ago online with my ISP when I saw that one of my favorite stores was going to be having a huge sale. I went by and I saw that there were boots on sale there for so low that I felt like I needed to try on some of them for the heck of it.

Well I did try on a coupel of pairs, including some riding boots that were so cute that I couldn’t believe I actually considered buying them. I left the store without them and a couple of days later I regretted it, so I went back and got them.