so he asks the biker his name.

‘Fred,’ he replies.

‘Fred what?’ the officer asks.

‘Just Fred,’ the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.  The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. ‘Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?’

The biker replies, ‘It’s a long story, so stay with me.’  I was born Fred Johnson.  
 I  studied hard and got good grades.  

When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor.  I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD.  After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.

Dentistry was my dream!  Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.  

Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.  

Well, the  ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.  

Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD.  Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my  DDS  because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.

Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.’

He thought to himself, “It’s certainly not a ship”

As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.

Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, “Tell me, how long has it been since you’ve had a good cigar?”

“Ten years,” replied the amazed Irishman.

With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.

He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. “Faith and begorrah,” said the castaway,
Ahh ”that is so good! I’d almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!”

“And how long has it been since you’ve had a drop of good Bushmill’s  Irish Whiskey ?” asked the blonde.

Trembling, the castaway replied, “Ten years.”

Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.

He opened the flask and took a long drink. “Tis nectar of the gods!” shouted the Irishman. ” ‘Tis truly fantastic!!!”

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, “And how long has it been since you played around?”

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, “Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don’t tell me that you’ve got golf clubs in there too!

It seems as though a mouse had chewed through the cable wire somewhere in the house.  Now, that may sound like an easy fix, but it’s not; I’d have to punch a hole in the wall and fix the wires.  So, I have turned to Direct TV instead.

I have always wondered about DirecTV, but I never knew much about it.  So, I began my journey locally to find out more about it.  A friend recommended a web site that was reputable and I have pursued it.

So, in a week, I am going to be watching television via DirectTV instead of cable.

And, to think that a mouse has caused me to do this!

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.. It doesn’t have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, ‘Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?’

Then the frantic guy demands, ‘THEN WHAT HAPPENED?’

‘Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!’   ]]> http://www.jokejerk.com/2010/02/02/parrot-dirty-joke/feed/ http://www.jokejerk.com/2010/01/30/jokes-madoff-government/ http://www.jokejerk.com/2010/01/30/jokes-madoff-government/#comments Sat, 30 Jan 2010 05:56:11 +0000 admin http://www.jokejerk.com/2010/01/30/jokes-madoff-government/ Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal.

Oh Great!!  

The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

But, with the economy as bad as it is, who can afford to fly to Hawaii?  We need to find a vacation that we can drive to and a Myrtle Beach resort is just the right distance from the northeast USA.

Myrtle Beach resorts really have it all and for everybody in the family.  There’s golf for Dad and spas for Mom.  There’s arcades for the kids plus entertainment for the whole family.  Plus, make no mention of the best beaches on the east coast.

In anticipation of our trip, we started to look for Myrtle Beach accommodations.  There are so many to choose from.  Is it best to have a hotel on the beach, a private residence, or a place on the 18th hole of the many golf courses in Myrtle Beach?

So many choices for Myrtle Beach accomodations that will make everybody in the family happy.  You can’t find a better place for bargains on the east coast.

Going to Myrtle Beach this winter for some golf?

I’ll see you there.

But, how do you know which car to buy?  If you aren’t a big car guy, it’s tough to keep up with all of the models.

You may be considering a Honda Insight which is a new Honda model for 2010.  It’s a hybrid so that’s important if you are an ecologist.  Plus, you get the name of Honda to go with it and Honda is a great car name.  You are guaranteed to have a quality vehicle if it says Honda on the side.

Saab is another car that you can’t go wrong with.  Saab has many years of building quality vehicles.  I’ve owned a Saab before, and although I don’t like the name itself, it is a quality car.  It is prestigious, safe, and good looking.  Like with Honda, you can’t go wrong with a Saab.

Another car brand that you can’t go wrong with is Acura.  Acura is really a souped up Honda, but it is well known and has prestige equal to Lexus.  There are also many models at Acura, including sports cars, sedans, and SUV’s.  No matter what kind of car you are looking for, Acura can deliver a quality vehicle that will last you ten  years or more.

Maybe, however, you are looking for more of a functional family vehicle and aren’t concerned with prestige and looks.  Then you may want to look at the Chevy Traverse specs.  They are all on the web site with easy access.

There are so many automobile makes in the USA and it’s so difficult to know which one is right for you.  And, if you don’t know a lot about cars, it’s great to have one place to go to for all the information you will need.

That’s where the Car Connection comes in.  You’ll be glad you stopped by before considering which car is the very best choice for you.

But, how many of us know much about car repairs.  Heck, I studied journalism, not auto repair.

So, how do I go about fixing my Honda Accord when it isn’t running right?

If you have a broken timing belt, for instance, it’s something that you’ll need to fix.  Can you do it yourself?  And, if you screw it up, how dangerous will it be for your car?  Best to get a pro to do it, but how do you know how much it should cost?

Whether you live in Los Angeles or are in need of a San Francisco auto repair, it is really convenient to get a price for that repair online. So, when you actually go to the auto repair place, you’ll be armed with the statistics to get a fair deal the first time.

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, ‘I won the prize for the Best toast of
the night.’

She said, ‘Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?’

John said, ‘Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside
me wife.’

‘Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!’ Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street
corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, ‘John won the prize the other night at
the pub with a toast about you, Mary..’

She said, ‘Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s
only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the
other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.’