The following day, the same man approached the White House
and said to the same Marine, ‘I would like to go in and
meet with President Bush.’  The Marine again told the
man, ‘Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is no longer
president and no longer resides here.’  The man thanked
him and, again, just walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and
spoke to the very same U. S. Marine, saying ‘I would
like to go in and meet with President Bush. ‘The Marine,
somewhat agitated at this point, looked at the man and said,
‘Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here
asking to speak to Mr. Bush.  I’ve told you already that
Mr. Bush is no longer the president and no longer resides
here.

Don’t you understand?’

The old man looked at the Marine and said, ‘Oh, I
understand. I just love hearing it.’

A new blonde employee calls the Help Desk to complain that there’s something wrong with her password.

“Whenever I type the password, it just shows stars,” she says.

“Those asterisks are to protect you,” the Help Desk technician explains, “so if someone were standing behind you, they wouldn’t be able to read your password.”

“Yeah,” she says, “but they show up even when there is no one standing behind me.”

Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell, they don’t even serve food anymore, so what’s the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a ‘party atmosphere’ going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn’t need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and ’special services.’

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.

This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right — a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn’t Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,
Bill Clinton

1) You only get laid once.
2) You only get eaten once.
3) It takes you seven minutes to get hard.
4) You have to come in a box with 11 other guys.
5) The only one that ever sits on your face is your mother.

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.  It doesn’t have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, ‘Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?’

The parrot says, ‘I was born this way.  I’m a defective parrot.’

‘Holy crap,’ the guy replies.  ’You actually understood and answered me!’

‘I got every word,’ says the parrot.  ’I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird.’

‘Oh yeah?’ the guy asks, ‘Then answer this — how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?’

Well,’ the parrot says, ‘this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook.  You can’t see it because of my feathers.’

‘Wow,’ says the guy.  ’You really can understand and speak English can’t you?’

‘Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic; politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy.  I’m especially good at ornithology.  You really ought
to buy me.  I’d be a great companion.’

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.  ’Sorry, but I just can’t afford that.’

‘Pssssssst,’ says the parrot, ‘I’m defective, so the truth is, no body wants me cause I don’t have any feet.  You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!’

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by.  The parrot is sensational.  He has a great sense of humor, he’s interesting, he’s a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he’s insightful.  The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, ‘Psssssssssssst,’ and motions him over with one wing.  ’I don’t know if I should tell you this or not, but it’s about your wife and the postman.’

‘What are you talking about?’ asks the guy.

‘When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie.’

‘WHAT???’ the guy asks incredulously.  ’THEN what happened?’

‘Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over,’ reported the parrot.

‘NO!’ he exclaims.  ’And she let him?’

‘Yes.  Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over…’

Then the frantic guy demands, ‘THEN WHAT HAPPENED?’

‘Damned if I know.  I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!’

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful.  She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.  When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake.  He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.  So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.  The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, “I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk.   Did you mean 2.5 gallons?”

The blonde said, “I want 25 gallons.   I’m going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again.”
The milkman asked, “Do you want it pasteurized?”
The blonde said, “No, just up to my tits.   I can splash it on my face”.

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The game drags on and on, and nearly every blonde in the house had to be on for the big blackout. Finally, G-47 was called, but still no shouts of “Bingo!” were heard. The frustrated caller finally gets up and throws the Bingo Machine off the stage. All the girls were shocked and the caller says: “I’ve just called every darn one of these 75 balls out of this machine and nobody has a Bingo? Just what number are you ladies waiting for?” All together, 412 blonde ladies shouted: “FREE SPACE!”

Find more funny bingo jokes, at Joke Jerk.