Dirty Parrot Joke

February 2nd, 2010

parrot with no feet

 

 

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.. It doesn’t have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, ‘Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?’

The parrot says, ‘I was born this way.. I’m a defective parrot.’

‘Holy crap,’ the guy replies. ‘You actually understood and answered me!’

‘I got every word,’ says the parrot. ‘I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird’

‘Oh yeah?’ the guy asks, ‘Then answer this — how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?’

‘Well,’ the parrot says, ‘this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can’t see it because of my feathers.’

‘Wow,’ says the guy….. ‘You really can understand and speak English can’t you?’

‘Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I’m especially good at ornithology… You really ought to buy me. I’d be a great companion.’

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag…. ‘Sorry, but I just can’t afford that.’

‘Pssssssst,’ says the parrot, ‘I’m defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don’t have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!’

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational….

He has a great sense of humor, he’s interesting, he’s a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he’s insightful.. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, ‘Psssssssssssst,’ and motions him over with one wing. ‘I don’t know if I should tell you this or not, but it’s about your wife and the UPS man..’

‘What are you talking about?’ asks the guy.

‘When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie.’

‘WHAT???’ the guy asks incredulously. ‘THEN what happened?’

‘Well, then the UPS man came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over,’ reported the parrot.

‘NO!’ he exclaims. ‘And she let him?’

‘Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over…’

Then the frantic guy demands, ‘THEN WHAT HAPPENED?’


‘Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!’  

Who Made Off with More?

January 30th, 2010

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal.

Oh Great!!  

The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

Planning a Trip to Myrtle Beach?

January 30th, 2010

It’s really cold up north during this time of year and, quite frankly, we are getting tired of it.  It’s not just the snow, but the cold rain, the mud, and especially the fierce wind.  We need a vacation.

But, with the economy as bad as it is, who can afford to fly to Hawaii?  We need to find a vacation that we can drive to and a Myrtle Beach resort is just the right distance from the northeast USA.

Myrtle Beach resorts really have it all and for everybody in the family.  There’s golf for Dad and spas for Mom.  There’s arcades for the kids plus entertainment for the whole family.  Plus, make no mention of the best beaches on the east coast.

In anticipation of our trip, we started to look for Myrtle Beach accommodations.  There are so many to choose from.  Is it best to have a hotel on the beach, a private residence, or a place on the 18th hole of the many golf courses in Myrtle Beach?

So many choices for Myrtle Beach accomodations that will make everybody in the family happy.  You can’t find a better place for bargains on the east coast.

Going to Myrtle Beach this winter for some golf?

I’ll see you there.

Car Reviews Made Easy

January 30th, 2010

If you are searching for a new car, there is no better time in my lifetime to buy a car.  Believe me, negotiating is easy.  You will get the best price possible if you negotiate hard.

But, how do you know which car to buy?  If you aren’t a big car guy, it’s tough to keep up with all of the models.

You may be considering a Honda Insight which is a new Honda model for 2010.  It’s a hybrid so that’s important if you are an ecologist.  Plus, you get the name of Honda to go with it and Honda is a great car name.  You are guaranteed to have a quality vehicle if it says Honda on the side.

Saab is another car that you can’t go wrong with.  Saab has many years of building quality vehicles.  I’ve owned a Saab before, and although I don’t like the name itself, it is a quality car.  It is prestigious, safe, and good looking.  Like with Honda, you can’t go wrong with a Saab.

Another car brand that you can’t go wrong with is Acura.  Acura is really a souped up Honda, but it is well known and has prestige equal to Lexus.  There are also many models at Acura, including sports cars, sedans, and SUV’s.  No matter what kind of car you are looking for, Acura can deliver a quality vehicle that will last you ten  years or more.

Maybe, however, you are looking for more of a functional family vehicle and aren’t concerned with prestige and looks.  Then you may want to look at the Chevy Traverse specs.  They are all on the web site with easy access.

There are so many automobile makes in the USA and it’s so difficult to know which one is right for you.  And, if you don’t know a lot about cars, it’s great to have one place to go to for all the information you will need.

That’s where the Car Connection comes in.  You’ll be glad you stopped by before considering which car is the very best choice for you.

Pricing Auto Repairs

January 30th, 2010

Getting your car fixed is no joke.  You need to do it right and do it right the first time.

But, how many of us know much about car repairs.  Heck, I studied journalism, not auto repair.

So, how do I go about fixing my Honda Accord when it isn’t running right?

If you have a broken timing belt, for instance, it’s something that you’ll need to fix.  Can you do it yourself?  And, if you screw it up, how dangerous will it be for your car?  Best to get a pro to do it, but how do you know how much it should cost?

Whether you live in Los Angeles or are in need of a San Francisco auto repair, it is really convenient to get a price for that repair online. So, when you actually go to the auto repair place, you’ll be armed with the statistics to get a fair deal the first time.

Irish Eyes are Smiling

January 29th, 2010

John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, ‘Here’s to spending the rest of me
life, between the legs of me wife!’

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!Irish jokes

He went home and told his wife, Mary, ‘I won the prize for the Best toast of
the night.’

She said, ‘Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?’

John said, ‘Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside
me wife.’

‘Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!’ Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street
corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, ‘John won the prize the other night at
the pub with a toast about you, Mary..’

She said, ‘Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s
only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the
other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.’

Tiger Woods Loves His Lays

January 23rd, 2010

Tiger Woods Lays

Casino Guide

January 18th, 2010

Governor Rendell of Pennsylvania recently faced a crisis as many states and businesses are today.  His state was going broke and he was faced with laying off 1100 state employees or to get table casino games put into the state’s new slot machine casinos.  It was easy for the legislature to vote in favor of adding casino games to the casinos.

No matter whether you like it or not, casino gaming is expanding dramatically in the United States.  A new site on the web that is getting a lot of hype is called OnlineCasinosPlanet.org.

I went to one page that listed all of the casinos in the United States.  When you think of casinos in the United States, you immediately think of Las Vegas and if you live in the east you may think of Atlantic City.

But, when you look at this guide to all of the casinos in the entire country, it’s amazing how many there actually are!  My favorite name among them was the Chicken Ranch Bingo Casino.  Now, that’s a tourist destination.

Save the Airlines

January 10th, 2010

Dump the male flight  attendants.stripper jokes
No one wanted them in the first place.

Replace all the female  flight attendants with good-looking strippers!
What the hell, they don’t even  serve food anymore, so what’s the loss?

The strippers would at least  triple the alcohol sales and get a ‘party
atmosphere’ going in the cabin. And,  of course, every businessman in this
country would start flying again, hoping to  see naked women..

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn’t  need a salary,
thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that  we
could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20%
of  the tips, including lap dances and ’special services.’

Muslims would be  afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked
women. Hijackings would  come to a screeching halt, and the airline
industry would see record  revenues.

This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right –  a golden
opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn’t Obama  think of this? Why do I still have to do everything
myself?

Sincerely,
Tiger


Share Your Christmas Pictures

January 5th, 2010

More pictures are taken around Christmas time than any other time of the year.  I’m sure you probably have a camera full of Christmas pictures right now.  It’s time to put them off your camera and on to the web for all others to enjoy.

Christmas is about sharing and giving.  Christmas sharing of your pictures can be done on the site Christmaspace.com.   This way others can enjoy the fun and family love that you enjoyed just two weeks ago at Christmas time.

And, this site is not just about your Christmas pics, it’s also about your Christmas videos.  You can place your videos on the site and have others enjoy them as well as your family.  They can be funny or silly or just plain old boring.

Put them on the site and others will be able to enjoy what you enjoyed just two weeks ago–your best Christmas ever.