JOKE JERK

If you don’t have a sense of humor, don’t read these.

michael’s latest autopsy report? he died from choking on an 8 year old weiner

I hear this is the stiffest michael jackson has been since macauley culken stayed over

 Michael Jackson wakes up to see his doctor. He ask ” Dr Dr am I in heaven.” To which the doctor replies, “No Michael I am just wheeling you through the childrens ward.”

Michael Jackson is dead. Coroner’s officials don’t know what to do with the body as plastic recycle day is next Tuesday

The Jockey Club ordered that all jockeys wear a black arm band, at next Saturday’s race meetings out of respect for the death of Michael Jackson. This is because he has ridden the most 3 year olds in the business.

In tribute to the King of Pop, McDonalds are bringing out The Michael Jackson Burger: 50 year old meat in between 8 year old buns

Let’s face it.  We all watch a lot of television.

I hate it when people say “I don’t watch television.”  I just have one thing to say to that!  Liar!

We all watch television and when you consider how much time the average person watches television, it’s the best value in your house.  You can make it an even better value, however, with Direct T V.

When you watch television, how often do you say: “there’s nothing on.”  When there are 130 stations on Direct TV, there’s always something interesting to watch.  Nothing good on the major channels?  Try the History Channel or the Military Channel.

And, the good news in this tough economy, is that DirecTV is actually pretty cheap.  And, we already talked about the value factor.

The bottom line is that Directtv.com is a great investment.

The economy is so bad today that when my secretary tells me that my broker is on the phone, I have to ask:

 ”stock or pawn?”

Buying a new car should be one of the most pleasurable things that we buy, but it never seems to be a positive experience, at least not for me.

No matter how much information I have in advance of my visit to the car dealer, I always think that I am getting ripped off.  The high pressure sales tactic makes buying cars or trucks intimidating and gut wrenching.  It’s enough to give you high blood pressure.

That’s why I prefer to buy my cars on the internet.  I don’t need to drive the car; they all drive well when they are new.  I don’t need to smell the leather interior; they all smell great when they are new.  Just show me some car photos and I have enough information to make a good decision on my new purchase.  I really don’t need anything more to make an informed decision.

As I’ve reached middle age, I know what kind of car I want.  I either want a Lexus or an Acura.  Why?  Because they are upscale sedan cars and they both have the drive and handling that I want.  I have a Lexus now, but I’ve decided that my next car will be the Acura TL.  I don’t really need a new car, but I’ve never really liked the silver color that I bought with the Lexus; I want a black Acura.  It may seem like a dumb reason to buy a new car, but I work hard and I get tired of my cars every few years.

My daughter is turning 16 soon and she’s already talking about what kind of car that she would like to get.  My deal is that if she can pay for the insurance and gas, then I’ll help her buy a new car.  She has her eye on a Kia Soul.  I didn’t know much about the Kia Soul until she showed me the picture and it’s really a good looking car.  Plus, I love soul music so I should fit right in with the Kia.

It has always been so odd to me that the car buying process is so stressful.  It should be one of the most pleasant experiences that you ever have, but unfortunately, it’s not.

That’s why it’s best to shop online when you buy a new car.  I know I’ll be checking out the Car Connection when I am ready to make my next purchase.  Hopefully, my bonus will be bigger this year than it was last year!

That’s no joke.

If you’ve been watching cable TV for the past few years, you don’t know what you are missing.  Direct TV is so much better and you don’t have to deal with your annoying local cable company that everybody hates.

I’m always amazed when people skimp on television expenses, because let’s face it:  Americans watch a lot of TV.  I don’t care who you are, television is the best value going and you should have the best TV reception and best TV set to watch it on.

Satellite Directv is such a great value.  You get hundreds of channels to flip through will surely make your wife happy.  I know it does mine, especially when I get stuck on the Military Channel.

And the sports, it’s beyond belief.  Watch every MLB game or every  NFL or NBA game.  Then, there’s tons of college basketball and football plus minor sports like collegiate wrestling and volleyball that are hard to find on cable TV.  For sports, there’s nothing quite like Direct Satellite TV.

When I was in college in West Virginia, it seemed like everybody went to Myrtle Beach for their vacations.  I always grew up on the Jersey Shore for my vacations so this was something different for me.

But, boy was I surprised by the greater number of things to do on a Myrtle Beach Resort vacation.  There was great golf, amusement parks, and awesome beaches.

Now, nothing against the Jersey Shore, but the weather at a North Myrtle Beach Resort is also way superior to the northern weather, especially early in the season.

Golf is a huge attraction when staying at North Myrtle Beach Resorts.  There are so many golf courses to choose from that you’ll be able to play golf on a different course every day.

If you haven’t made any plans for this summer’s vacation yet, you should consider a family vacation at Myrtle Beach, South Carolina.  You won’t be disappointed.

If you are still watching cable television, we just have one question.  Why?

Everybody seems to hate their local cable company, but we continue using them because they are just so…convenient.  The house is already wired for cable and you pay their exorbitant bills without fail every month.

After all, nobody wants one of those large extra-terrestrial looking dishes in their back yard!  But, if you think the dishes used by Direct TV are as big as a satellite, think again.  They are no larger than a pizza and fit conveniently on your back porch, rooftop, or deck.

Think of how many hours you spend watching TV.  Even if you don’t watch a lot compared to other families, when you add up the hours, it’s a lot of time.  So, you may as well have the best value for your money and that best value is clearly Direct TV service.

A Directtv system will bring many years of joy to your household.  It’s an investment that you should make sooner than later.

And, that’s no joke.

If you are a techie, you’ll love these techie abbreviations.

PCMCIA - People Can’t Memorize Computer Industry
SCSI - System Can’t See It
DOS - Defunct Operating System
BASIC - Bill’s Attempt to Seize Industry Control
IBM - I Blame Microsoft
CD-ROM - Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
OS/2 - Obsolete Soon, Too
ISDN - I Simply Don’t Know

It’s no joke.  Television is the best value you can get for your money. 

With the bad economy, people are staying home more often and watching TV.  Everybody is also looking for ways to save and saving on TV is a big one.  The bill from your local cable TV company can get outrageous!  And, nobody likes the local cable company anyway.

Direct TV is one of the best bargains going.  You can get over 150 channels for under $35 per month.  I pay almost double that for my cable.  And, this includes all of the high definition stations too.

It used to be that people thought of Direct TV as needing one of those huge satellite dishes in the yard.  That’s no longer the case.  With DirectTV, you need a dish about the size of a pizza now.  It’s not a huge eye sore like the used to be.  Those old dishes looked like you were getting signals from Mars, not from TBS.

You can find a lot out of about Direct TV on directtv.com.  This is a great resource for finding out about the advantages of Direct TV versus cable.  This is where most people start to find out about the options.

One of the options that you’ll want to consider is the NFL Sunday Ticket package.  Ladies, if you want to make your husband really happy, get him the NFL Sunday Ticket package for his birthday this year.

Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs have a new baby.

The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely a WHITE baby boy.

‘Congratulations,’ says the nurse to the new parents. ‘Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?’

The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, ‘Well, two Wong’s don’t make a white, so I think we will name him… Are you ready for this?   

 Sum Ting Wong