JOKE JERK

Watch this hair raising commercial. One of the most clever ads I’ve ever seen.

Dirt Devil-The Exorcist from MrPrice2U on Vimeo.

Guest post from: Steve Delaney

I was watching my Saturday morning television on direct tv indianapolis and started watching a series on the History Channel that I love. I remember watching the series a long time ago, but haven’t seen them in years. They are thirty minute episodes that tell the history and give tours of “America’s Castles”. My favorite that was highlighted was the Hearst Mansion. Located high on a bluff in California, it is a home on the grandest scale. It houses many European arts and treasures. It is not only artwork that hangs on the walls, but architectural pieces and sculptures. The Hearst mansion also had a zoo, its own train, several pools, stables, and tennis courts. It was truly a place to rest and relax in its hayday in the 1920s. It was a time of no income tax and beautiful home. People attended parties in the evenings and dressed to the nines. Anyone who was anyone was invited to the Hearst Mansion. Dignitaries and movies stars alike would mingle in the beautiful castle built by the newspaper mogul best known for his beautiful homes.

I pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and told my friend:  “That’s us in 10 years”.

He said “That’s a mirror, dip-shit!

Ah…Calgary.  One of the most scenic places in North America.  Calgary has just about everything that you would ever want.  A strong economy, jobs, sports, and affordable living.  That’s why so many Americans and Canadians are moving to Calgary in beautiful Alberta.

Affordability is one of the key reasons for the move.  Living in Calgary is much cheaper than living in Vancouver, Toronto, or Montreal.  And, getting Calgary Apartments for a fair rental price is at the top of the list of reasons to move to Calgary.

I’ve been to Calgary and I was really impressed by what the city had to offer.  I would highly recommend Calgary as a great place to live.

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target..

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Harris,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, ‘Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away’. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION - WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’ EMTs were called.

9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ‘ Mission Impossible’ theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’ by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!’

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.’ One of the clerks passed out.

Guest post written by Christine HaleOne of the things that I keep having to tell myself even after we bought this historic home for us to move into, is that we bought a historic home and we knew that we would have to do a little more upkeep on it as a result. Now I’m really learning how much upkeep that is.I guess that when it came to this house, the previous owners didn’t do as good of a job with upkeep. So I’ve been researching a whole bunch of stuff to figure out what we can do and on what budget. While we were online looking that up, I ran across some info and after checking out more here, I decided that it would be doable to make our renovations with their help.I’m going to have them remodel our kitchen, which is probably the part that needs the most work in our house. There are other things in the home that I can live with being more vintage in function. But one thing that I absolutely need is a functioning, modern kitchen.

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.  

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach  trees. 

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over. 

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket  to bring back some fruit. 

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.   

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.  
 
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. 

One of the women shouted to him, ‘we’re not coming out until you leave!’  

The old man frowned, ‘I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.’ 

Holding the bucket up he said, 
‘I’m here to feed the alligator…’ 

Some old men can still think fast.

Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions. One said, “I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best.”
“I don’t think I have ever heard of that one,” said the other cowboy, “what is it?”
“Well, it’s where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind.
Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, “Boy, these feel just like your sister’s.”
Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds

Who knows if the NFL will play this year or not.  But, let’s face it, the NFL season will probably go on.  They will definitely miss the preseason and maybe a game or two of the regular season.  So, you can get really great tickets right now, because nobody is buying them.  Want New York Jets tickets, buy them now.  You will get to use them.

It’s no difference if you live on the west coast and what is a better place to live than San Diego?  You can buy San Diego Chargers tickets just as easy as New York tickets.  They are waiting to be bought and the season will happen.  You can guarantee it that you heard it hear first.

Not into sports?  Or, into sports, but into music too.  What is a better concert to see than to get Backstreet Boys tickets?  You will love watching the Backstreet Boys live.  They are so good.

Need to see a female vocalist instead.  Celine Dion is hot.  So, get some Celine Dion tickets and have a great time.  You will love to see Celine Dion in concert, even if you are not Canadian.

The other concert you want to see is Rascal Flatts.  Get Rascal Flatts tickets if you really want to impress a new date.  She will love seeing that band.

Five Important Qualities1. It’s important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.2. It’s important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.3. It’s important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn’t lie to you.4. It’s important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.5. It’s very, very important that these four women do not know each other.