5 Reasons Why It Stinks Being an Egg:
1) You only get laid once.
2) You only get eaten once.
3) It takes you seven minutes to get hard.
4) You have to come in a box with 11 other guys.
5) The only one that ever sits on your face is your mother.
A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn’t have any feet or
legs. The guy says aloud, ‘Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?’
The parrot says, ‘I was born this way. I’m a defective parrot.’
‘Holy crap,’ the guy replies. ’You actually understood and answered me!’
‘I got every word,’ says the parrot. ’I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird.’
‘Oh yeah?’ the guy asks, ‘Then answer this — how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?’
Well,’ the parrot says, ‘this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can’t see it because of my feathers.’
‘Wow,’ says the guy. ’You really can understand and speak English can’t you?’
‘Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic; politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I’m especially good at ornithology. You really ought
to buy me. I’d be a great companion.’
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. ’Sorry, but I just can’t afford that.’
‘Pssssssst,’ says the parrot, ‘I’m defective, so the truth is, no body wants me cause I don’t have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!’
The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he’s interesting, he’s a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he’s insightful. The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, ‘Psssssssssssst,’ and motions him over with one wing. ’I don’t know if I should tell you this or not, but it’s about your wife and the postman.’
‘What are you talking about?’ asks the guy.
‘When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie.’
‘WHAT???’ the guy asks incredulously. ’THEN what happened?’
‘Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over,’ reported the parrot.
‘NO!’ he exclaims. ’And she let him?’
‘Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over…’
Then the frantic guy demands, ‘THEN WHAT HAPPENED?’
‘Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!’
A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for 
her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, “I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?”
The blonde said, “I want 25 gallons. I’m going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again.”
The milkman asked, “Do you want it pasteurized?”
The blonde said, “No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on my face”.
Don’t be part of the herd – Be Heard!
Is your voice echoing, echoing, echoing around imaginary cave walls where no-one can hear you?
Tired of repeating yourself when on long-distance calls?
Frustrated with having to redial numbers because call connections are dropped?
You are not alone. Most callers today think that lagging, echoing phone lines are ‘the norm’ when it comes to long-distance calling. This may have been true in the past - but not anymore!
Introducing Tabrio – your solution to crystal clear connectivity for all your long distance voice calls. Dropped calls are a thing of the past. No lags in your conversation. With Tabrio’s assured call quality, you will always be heard – first time, every time.
Best of all, Tabrio lets you stay in touch for a fraction of the cost of other service providers. Enjoy the clearest connectivity on voice calls while saving lots of money.
5 Great Reasons to choose Tabrio and Be Heard
Tabrio. Everything you need to Be Heard – first time, every time.
Want to test drive Tabrio today and Be Heard? Visit www.tabrio.com and we’ll give you $5 free to call and Be Heard anywhere in the world – no strings attached!
It was a Ladies Only Night in the All Blonde Bingo Hall. The night had been pretty boring,
not one single person had a BINGO all night. The last game was up for grabs, with a huge bingo prize of $3500.00 in the pot.
The game drags on and on, and nearly every blonde in the house had to be on for the big blackout. Finally, G-47 was called, but still no shouts of “Bingo!” were heard. The frustrated caller finally gets up and throws the Bingo Machine off the stage. All the girls were shocked and the caller says: “I’ve just called every darn one of these 75 balls out of this machine and nobody has a Bingo? Just what number are you ladies waiting for?” All together, 412 blonde ladies shouted: “FREE SPACE!”
Find more funny bingo jokes, at Joke Jerk.
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some
time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist.Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist Dr.Chang.
So she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room Dr. Chang said ‘OK, take off all your crose.
The woman did a s she was told. ‘Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room.’
Again the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said ‘OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to
Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said ‘Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary disease.
Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates.’
Worried the woman asked anxiously ‘Oh my God Dr. Chang what is Ed Zachary Disease ?’
Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied ‘Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass.’
Officer, this is how the fight started… I rear-ended the car in front of me. I admit that. It was my fault.
So, we both pull over to the side of the road, and slowly the driver of the car I hit gets out of his car. . . and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed… and life… sometimes life seems like… suddenly funny?
Well, the driver of the car I hit is a DWARF! He gets out of his car and I get out of my car.
He is frowning and scowling and he storms over to me. Right up close at me he looks up in my face and says, ‘I AM NOT HAPPY!’.
And I don’t know what possessed me, officer, but I look down at him and I said, ‘Well, if you’re not Happy — which one are you?’
. . . and that’s when the fight started…
|
A man and a woman were on a nude beach when a wasp flew into the woman’s vagina. In a rush the guy The doctor then offered his services for a mere $50. After a long pause, the couple agreed. The doctor happily slathered on some honey and went in. After a couple of thrusts the husband said, “Hey, what the hell is going on?” The doctor says, “Change of plans — I’m going to drown the bastard.” |
||
YOU might BE a REDNECK you might be a redneck if you go to your washing machine for money.
pulled on his shorts, wrapped a towel around the woman, and ran to the hospital.When they got there the doctor said, “The only way I can think to get the wasp out is to slather some honey on my penis and lure it out.”